Hey.
These are five stories I've written from 2002-2008.
They're called Mediocre Man (2,3,4,5).
It's about a tragic 'super hero' named Herb Lopez.
They were inspired by my life experiences,exaggerations of those experiences and every possible genre that popped into my head, with an emphasis on comedy.
These stories aren't the greatest works of art.
But I love them.
Each story got progressively better. They inspire me to continue to improve my writing.
I was able to order them in book form for my own satisfaction during the holiday season (as seen above).
This blog entry includes excerpts, synopses, commentary of these stories.
I welcome you to read and enjoy them.
Thank you.
PS Much more new writing to come this year.
Mediocre Man 5 (2008)
A year after saving the male race from the scorned and ruthless Tara The Witch, Herb Lopez (Mediocre Man) is back again for one final adventure in Mediocre Man 5.
Change is at the forefront during this period of Herb's life. Him and girlfriend Jill Walker have embarked on a new relationship after months of friendship and struggle. In addition, he's finally completed his college tenure and appears ready to face the real world. Initially, the future seems optimistic.
But a sudden dark cloud ripples through his world. Herb's relationship is tested along with his dedication to pursue his dreams.
Meanwhile, an important family member from his past makes an unexpected return into his life, mother Luisa Lopez. Her mysterious absence is supposedly linked to a religious fanatic with an outrageous plan that he describes as 'out of this world'. This mad man's intention is to exterminate the world's entire middle and lower classes. As it starts to come to fruition, Mediocre Man is thrust into a battle to not only save the world as we know it, but also fight for his own happy ending.
CLIP 1
SCENE 9
Herb and Jill walk inside Tracey's house. About a dozen friends are gathered in the living room, music blasting. The walls are filled with graduation theme posters and banners.
Herb: Okay, can we leave now?
Jill: I said five minutes, not five seconds.
Herb: Oh boy...
Jill: What?
A man named Jimmy approaches Herb, smiling.
Jimmy: Herb! My boy! Congratulations on graduating! You going to miss eating with the roaches over at the cafeteria in Boylan? (Laughs extremely hard)
Herb: With them? With the food they serve, don't you mean actually eating them!?
Jimmy laughs even harder at Herb's continuation of his joke.
Jimmy: I'll see you later my friend.
Jimmy walks away. Herb turns to look at Jill and smiles.
Herb: Just like clock work.
Jill: You think you're so damn smart!
Herb: I'm not smart, just very good. And 5,4,3,2....
Jill: Why are you counting?
A girl named Abigail approaches the couple as they fully walk into the living room.
Abigail: Herb and Jill! My favorite couple in the world. Well next to Corey and Topanga. Those two were just so adorable. I miss that show so much. I remember in grade school, all week, we’d look forward to TGIF to watch it. Anyway I'm so glad you decided to come. How are you?
Herb: I...
Abigail: I'm doing just awesome. Except I'm getting this terrible reaction to tequila and I'm so upset because I love, love, LOVE it! But I just can't have it anymore. It doesn't make the brain feel too right and forget about my stomach. And I'd love to have beer but hello?! I gotta watch my cals! I can't become a fattie, like those losers in Celebrity Fit Club. Have you seen that show??
Jill starts to walk away. She smiles at Herb in a devilish manner.
Jill: I think I'll let you two catch up.
Herb: I hate your guts, Walker.
Jill: Have fun.
Abigail continues to chatter away with Herb about nonsense. Meanwhile Jill finally spots one of her best friends and party host, Tracey.
Jill: There you are!
Tracey: Yes! Jilly, my favorite home girl in the hizzle!
Jill: ...And you're drunk, already.
Tracey: I'm sorry but I'm so shit faced right now, I see four of you. And all four of you are my favorites!
Jill: Tracey! I came to this party for you. Remember?! You said you would disown me if I didn't come. And you're two seconds away from passing out.
Tracey: I'm sorry my baby Jilly! It's just that...that I was pre-gaming and I just went a little overboard.
Jill: How overboard?
Tracey: (Gags) Oh my God!
Desperate to leave the living room, Tracey runs away, trying to make the bathroom in time before she pukes.
Jill: (to herself) I don't believe this...Now what? I can't let Herb know he's right. Someone to mingle with...
Jill sees her backstabbing friend Debra in the kitchen. She slowly walks over to hear what she is talking about with another girl.
Debra: And then there's that bitch Jill and her nerdy boyfriend Herb. That 'dork is cute' thing is so last year!
Jill angrily taps her on the shoulder. Debra turns around.
Jill: Hello Debra!
Debra: Oh hi Jill! I'm so glad you're here. I've missed you so much. I thought we were supposed to hang during the summer.
Jill: Oh someone is going to hang...
Meanwhile Herb is leaning against the wall, slowly banging the back of his head because Abigail still hasn't stopped talking.
Abigail: I was about to have sex with this guy and, just my luck, I started to get cramps! PERIOD TIME!
Suddenly, Herb hears Jill screaming at Debra all the way from the living room.
Jill: (Screaming) I'm going to take your ugly boyfriend's face and shove it straight up your slutty ass! Lord knows you've put your fair share of things in there.
Herb's eyes widen as he hears his hostile girlfriend screaming. Herb leaves the room and Abigail and runs to Jill's aid. Although Herb has ran away, Abigail continues to talk
Abigail: Wait! Don't go! I didn't get to tell you that I gave him a BJ and how his semen tasted!
Herb finally reaches the kitchen. Jill has her fist lifted, aiming right at Debra's overly made up face. Herb grabs Jill, attempting to restrain her from her rage.
Herb: Whoa! Easy there, Uma Thurman in Kill Bill!
Debra: Bring it on, you crazy bitch. I'll kick you and your Mediocre man! He's a punk ass loser!
Debra looks at Herb and her tone changes. She smiles at him.
Debra: Oh, hey Herb. Good to see you again.
Herb: You too Deb. Come on Jill. Let's go!
Jill finally listens to Herb and walks away from the kitchen. Herb follows her.
Jill: Don't say it!
Herb: Say what? I was just about to say...
Jill: Do you want me to land a punch? Because you're next.
Herb: I'm just happy you got me away from Jabbergail.
Jill: You were right! Okay?! You win! Everything you said was going to happen, did. I feel like a complete idiot. I just thought it would be fun to party and mingle and all that. But I realized something. I hate people.
Herb: Oh Jill. Don't be so hard on yourself. Many of my adversaries have been outsmarted by me. I just have a gift.
Jill: I'm going to take away the gift between your legs.
Herb: Okay. Scary Lorena Bobbit moment!
Jill: I'm sorry. You were right. I must be gracious now. I'm all yours. Tracey can take care of her drunken self. I'm not playing babysitter tonight.
Herb: That’s the spirit.
Jill: So where are we going?
Herb: Well, if we want to be alone, we can't go to my house.
Jill: Oh no! Don't tell me your dad is singing Bryan Adams karaoke in his underwear again.
Herb: No. I already talked to him about that. It's just that he really loved the summer of 69. Anyway, Ted came in a little early. So he's spending the night at my place.
Jill: Then where to?
Herb: How about a movie?
Jill: No! I hate your movie choices! Please spare my petty soul for once.
Herb: A deal is a deal!
Jill: Fine!
Herb: Wait. Let's take a few beers for the movie.
Herb grabs a couple of unopened cans of beer that were sitting on the coffee table
Jill: Yeah. Lord knows I'm going to need it with whatever you're dragging me too.
Herb: I'll give you a hint...A giant monster attacks New York City! Roar!
Jill: No...Anything but that one.
Herb: Ya know Jill, I came to this party with an open mind.
Jill: My ass!
Herb: Is beautiful. I can't wait to bite it.
Jill rapidly grabs more bottles when she realizes what movie Herb is dragging her to.
Jill: It's going to be a long night.
CLIP 2
Right outside of the Smoothie Center, Marcus is walking down the street with Jeff.
Marcus: It's time to celebrate Jeffrey. We have hit the watermark.
Jeff: As long as you're paying.
Marcus: Certainly! Although we can't get too carried away. It took me years to raise this kind of money to purchase the parts necessary for this machine.
Jeff: You've earned it.
Marcus: Take a look around the streets of New York City. It's disgusting. Pretty soon, I'll have the power to mix and match this dump and get rid of all the dead weight. The hobos on the street, the lower class, the middle class. All gone! Screw this mama-papa shop nostalgic crap. This country and the world will be moving in the right direction after I'm done.
Jeff: If this machine works as advertised.
.....
Marcus: I'm not finished. Now it's one thing to be able to have the power to communicate to the gods. But what if you had the power to control those gods? What would that make you? Well, I guess that would make you the one and only god.
Jeff: This is still insane.
Marcus: It's faster and easier than Bush's tactics. Straight to the point. We're gonna take out the trash!
CLIP 3
Sarah: My turn. What happened to you and Jill? You guys looked so happy together.
Herb: Yeah...We were. Maybe that was the problem.
Sarah: How would that be a problem?
Herb: Sometimes when the skies are clear, you know that a storm is inevitable.
Sarah: What does that mean?
Herb: I have no idea. I just always wanted to say some profound analogy that's so unique and mind blowing.
Sarah: (Laughs) Wow. Nice try. I think I get it though.
Herb: To be honest, I don't have an answer. I guess things just happen. You stop acknowledging each other's needs and you get angry and you start to hurt each other through words. I wish I knew... Maybe the explanation to most of these break ups is time and time alone. You could blame it on the little things like hogging the sheets in bed or bad taste in television or their annoying friends. But those aren't the real reasons because you put up with it in the beginning. Time just wears you out and you become too weak to dismiss those little things. Then that opens the door for the larger problems.
Sarah: Aw. I'm so sorry. That's one of the saddest and truest things I've ever heard.
Herb: Much better than that rain metaphor.
CLIP 4
SCENE 45
That day, Jill is holding a parent-teacher conference over at a small Catholic grade school she works at. The mother of one of her students enters the classroom. Jill walks over to greet her.
Jill: Hello Mrs. Gardner.
Mrs. Gardner: Hi. I'm so sorry I'm late
Jill: It's quite alright. Thank you for coming on such short notice.
Mrs. Gardner’s son Tommy enters the room as well.
Tommy: Hi Ms. Walker.
Jill: Hello Tommy. How about you go by the Mega Blocks while your mother and I talk?
Tommy: Okay.
He walks away.
Mrs. Gardner: So what is exactly the problem with my son?
Jill: Well it's not a real problem per say. Tommy is such a joy to have in my classroom. I just want to preface the conversation by saying that.
Mrs. Gardner: I know there's a huge but coming.
Jill: Would a however soften the blow?
Mrs. Gardner: Not really.
Jill: Well for the past few weeks, he's looked a bit, I don't know, disinterested.
Mrs. Gardner: Disinterested?
Jill: Yes. He always appears rather fatigued during lesson time. He also doesn't like socializing with the other kids. During recess, he just sits alone, and stares at his Spider-Man toy.
Mrs. Gardner: Yeah. That toy is sort of his security blanket.
Jill: I can tell. I mean, he is a sweet kid but seems a bit unsure of himself. His participation skills haven't been strong. Sometimes I'll call on him to answer a question, and even though I know that he knows the answer, he won't respond.
Mrs. Gardner: Oh dear. I guess I have noticed some lack of confidence on his part.
Jill: The gym teacher has also complained of some laziness on his part. He'll just lay on the floor when the rest of the kids are doing push ups.
The two look over and stare at Tommy who is eating Elmer's glue.
Jill: Plus he eats glue and won't listen to a word that I say.
Mrs. Gardner: What do you suggest we do to fix this?
Jill: Wait a minute.
Mrs. Garnder: What?
Jill: Oh my God! I just realized...Herb is Tommy. Tommy is Herb. Lazy, disinterested, doesn’t listen to me!
Mrs. Gardner: Who? Herb?
Jill: I can't believe it. He's the closest thing to a baby Herb. This would be my kid with him.
She stares at Tommy in horror, and he looks back, smiles and waves.
Tommy: Let's go Mets!
Jill: Did...he just say let's go Mets?
Mrs. Gardner: Yes. His father is taking him to his first baseball game tonight at Shea. It should be really exciting.
Jill: God help me...
Mrs. Gardner: Now about his troubles. could this just be a short phase that he'll just grow out of in time?
Jill grabs the mother.
Jill: No! For the love of God, please listen to me. You must change that boy for the better now! He won't outgrow it. Trust me! I know.
Mrs. Gardner: Ms. Walker? Are you okay?
Jill: And don't take him to that Mets game! Please! It'll only turn him into an emotional, pessimistic, paranoid mess. You don't want his heart to be broken every year, do you?
Mrs. Gardner: I think we should go now.
Jill: Okay.
Mrs. Gardner: Thank you for this interesting talk Jill.
Jill: Remember what I said.
Tommy: Bye Ms. Walker.
Jill: Bye Herb...I mean Tommy.
CLIP 5
Scene 58
After a few seconds of thinking, Herb reaches an epiphany.
Herb: And that's why I'm going to go get her back. I'm going to go get mom and we're all going to work things out. It's time gluttons like Marcus understand that they just can't take and take. So don't you worry about me or mom. You just worry about getting better, because when you get out of here, we're going to have a big barbecue. You can cook of course. And we're finally going to be a big happy, crazy family. If you want something, you have to fight for it.
The patient that is sharing the room with Ramon chimes in.
Patient: Shut the fuck up already! It's not bad enough I have to get my appendix removed! Now I gotta hear this shit!
Herb: I'll make them pay dad.
Patient: How can you pay for anything? You don't even have a job!
COMMENTARY
On The Plot
The easy part was figuring out what Herb's next journey would be. MM4 was a transitional story. It was a slight departure from the first three. It had to be, given the growth of the characters, but in the end, it really did lend it's hand to wipe the slate clean and allow the next story to have a natural progression. The dilemmas really fit.
As bad as it sounds, no one wants to read about a complex free, non complicated love relationship. That's because it's not realistic. People want to see themselves and their problems in these characters. Relatable feelings are key. Since all Mediocre Man stories rely heavily on the romantic aspect, it was easy to figure out the potential problems. We've seen Herb in a relationship before, but he was in a different place, physically and emotionally. He was in high school and later on just starting college. It was his first time and the answers were easier to come by, even if at times the answers were irrational. MM4 was about the chase and the struggle of letting go of personal demons that was left in the residue of his last break up. This time, Herb is in love as an adult and the differences are stark. I felt I could use this take to my advantage and create a romance that hadn't been told before in these stories. Herb and Jill are young adults, trying to make a love work in a time where making it work isn't easy. The two deal with complacency which could be a relationship killer. Other obstacles include jealousy and struggle of finding balance. Unhappiness with their own situations regarding unfulfilled dreams, also affects their interaction in a negative way. So in short, I had two stories to tell in this area. The honeymoon phase and the actual tests that could either bring two people closer together or tear them apart. Although there are ups and downs, I think it's a charming love story that tries not to vilify either character. They're just both terribly confused. It's also very honest. I hope people see themselves in Herb and Jill. I did. Although as many know, Herb is a reflection on myself, a lot of aspects in these stories are embellished and just made up.
I feel that I was better equipped to write about relationships six years later, having had more time to think about it all and go through more and observe more. It all helped and I think the dialogue here is more natural than the earlier stories.
Another journey Herb had to go through was post college life. I felt this was excellent timing (not for myself personally but for the story). The country is going through a major crisis. Jobs are being lost. More importantly, hopes and dreams are being lost. So to have a MEDIOCRE MAN try to reach the seemingly unreachable was very appropriate and timely. It goes back to the relatable factor. How many other people out there are losing hope today? There are many, myself included. How many people allow debt to control their lives and prevent them from going to college? Many. So this was very important to the story I wanted to tell. It all ties to the slogan FIGHT FOR YOUR "HAPPY ENDING". This is the final story and the rest of the world is struggling. But fighting on is the only solution it seems.
On the villain.
Figuring out the villain could either be really easy to decide or extraordinary difficult with these stories. But it really does dictate the rest of the plot. In the past, I've used people I've known or met personally as a template. Then I'll embellish enough to make him/her an interesting enough character to read. When it comes to comics and super hero movies in general, my favorite adversaries have always been the ones that are emotionally connected to the protagonist in some way. With MM, the antagonist MUST be connected to Herb. The choice is taken away because he's not a crime fighter. He has no powers. He's mediocre. So the only way he'd go through something dramatic would be to have Herb know the villain in some way.
I wanted him to be powerful and middle aged or even a little older than that. Most importantly, I had this idea to have him represent what Americans are most afraid of to date. Someone who was everything wrong with the world. Greed, religious fanatic, power hungry, etc. So I mixed figures like certain administrations. But I felt there had to be some kind of comedic twist. I immediately thought of Tom Cruise. Watching that promotion video for Scientology made it too hard to resist. I had to involve it.I'm a fan of his but it's amusing to entertain the idea of a Hollywood icon with insane beliefs regarding aliens and technology.
The problem with going with a character who is that powerful is the question of how Herb could possibly be connected with that type of man. This was tricky. Could he be Herb's new boss? Could he be the boss of his girlfriend? It didn't feel right. Then I thought of Herb's mother and her absence in the previous four stories. Her whereabouts were always mentioned, but in passing and not really emphasized. When I wrote the first Mediocre Man, I wanted Herb to live alone with his father. At the time, I thought it would add a lot more depth to the character along with a certain type of empathy. So I wrote in it that she left the family to marry Marcus Antonio, a latin singer in tribute to my mother's true obsession with real life singer Marc Anthony. The line, "Damn Marcus Antonio" was used in each of the stories. Although very funny, I regretted not writing his mother in since I really look at these stories as a reflection on my life. It's not an autobiography by any stretch but it's close. And I simply love my mom. So this was a great opportunity to write about the return of Herb's mother while making it the focus of the villain. It seemed to connect. It was hard but I think for the most part, I got the type of fierce opponent I wanted. He's a threatening figure while adding to that humor these stories have been built on.
Final Words.
I had a lot of ideas for MM 5 and hopefully the final product reflects that in a positive way. This was meant to be the final installment so I tried diligently to throw in every idea I didn't get a chance to express in the first few stories. This time around, I feel that humor is the backbone of this story. I laughed on the inside while writing some of the crazy scenes.
I wanted the story to be relevant, thus making it even more relatable and turning Mediocre Man into this tragic and universal figure. He's part of a dying breed in this country: the middle class. This whole past election was geared towards the normal Americans and their new hardships. So in this story, Herb's begging for a job while a powerful man in Marcus has a fictitious plan to exterminate the middle and lower classes.
In the end, it's the most 'out there' in terms of the threat. I definitely embraced fantastical ideas and hopefully the three people that read this story will do the same.
Like the fourth story, the dialogue is strong along with character development. The more pages gave me a chance to do all that. I also decided to bring back the clutzy, nerdy, 'lovable loser' aspects of Herb that defined him in the first three but lacking in the 4th one. I'm not afraid to take jabs at myself. If anyone is going to do it, it might as well be me. I'm in on the joke and that makes me feel comfortable with a lot of shortcomings.
It's sad to think this may be the last one. Then again, I can't write about Herb Lopez forever. There has to be an end at some point. Might as well be now. Right! Right?
Mediocre Man 4 (2007)
It's been three years since Herb Lopez (Mediocre Man) and company's last adventure. In the midst of these years, Herb suffered the break-up of his long time high school sweetheart. Now at age 22, Herb attempts to develop new friendships, notably a new relationship, with classmate Jill Walker. Their chemistry and sincere friendship makes Herb want to give romance another shot.
But when longtime friends and family make plans to move on, such as brother and best friend, Ray getting engaged and the addition of past heart ache still lingering, Lopez ponders whether or not it's worth investing time and emotion in new relationships. Will he choose to learn the power of letting go and embrace the change or will he protect himself by pushing away people that want to care?
Meanwhile, the phrase 'hell have no fury like a woman scorned' comes into play as a vengeful ex-girlfriend of Ray's named Tara Dina discovers the power of witchcraft and abuses it by destroying all that have brought pain in her life and turned her into the monster she is. Initially, her main objective is to kill the entire Lopez family, but the plans become bigger and more catastrophic! Can Mediocre Man save his family and the entire male race?
CLIP 1
Scene 8: Herb is slowly walking down the side street to his apartment alone. All of a sudden, an old lady
pops out of the bushes near a house. Her name is Kay Hive and she has a giant Marge Simpson-esque
hair style. She is Herb's neighbor.
Kay: Hello sugar!
Herb jumps back and falls on the ground in fear.
Herb: Mrs. Hive? Hi. You scared the living crap out of me.
Kay: I'm sorry dear. Would you like to come inside for some lemonade?
Herb: It's 2 in the morning! Why are you awake anyway?
Kay: Oh I was worried about you! I usually see you come home around 6 but you never showed. So I
decided to just stay out and wait for my love to get home safe.
Herb: ::Mutters:: Creepy...
Kay: What's that?
Herb: I said that's so thoughtful. You're a great neighbor. Thank you. I'm fine though.
Kay: Are you sure? You look a little tense. If you come inside, I'll give you one of my famous Kay
massages.
Herb gags.
Kay: All the soldiers loved my rub downs in Vietnam.
Herb: I think I'm going to have to pass. I know, I'm crazy for doing so. But I have some things to do,
like keep the food I've eaten today in my stomach. Have a good night Kay.
Kay: I also practice tauntra!
Herb runs away in fear into his apartment. When he opens the door to his place, he discovers his
roommate and best friend, Ted, is posing naked for a photographer. Ted sees Herb and smiles.
Ted: Hey bud! Want to join in?
Herb: What the hell is this?! A night at the Freak Show?! First Kay, now this...
Ted: She hit on you again... ::Laughs hysterically:: I've told you time and time again to tap that!
Herb: She's 83 years of age, Ted!
Ted: She's got experience my man. Beggers can't be choosers.
Herb: I think there's a bigger issue at hand. Like you, naked with some photographer.
The photographer, wearing a bouret, appears insulted and walks over to Herb.
Photographer: Some photographer? I am an ar-teeeest! ::Raises his hand::
Herb: You mean an artist?
Photographer: No, an ar-teeesst!
Herb: There's no real need for you to pronounce it that way and raise your hand when you say it, but
okay.
Photographer: Ted, who is this fool? I cannot work like this.
Ted: Herb. I got some fantastic news!
Herb: A threesome? (Laughs)
Ted: Not funny...at all. I'm moving to Los Angeles!
Herb: What?! Why?
Ted: To become a porn star! My dream has come true! Some director checked my shots on Iheartporn.net
and hired me on the spot to star in his next film. And the name of the film is Spider-Penis 4.
Herb: This has to be a nightmare.
Ted: Wait. This sucks for you now that I think about it now. You're going to need to move out or find
another roommate.
Herb: When are you leaving?!
Ted. In a couple of days.
Herb: Thanks a lot for the head's up man.
Ted: That's what she said.
Ted laughs and gives the photographer a high five. But Herb is un amused.
Herb: What am I supposed to do now?
Ted: What? You can always stay at Ray's for a while
Herb: He's getting married.
Ted: What a loser! So what the hell are you going to do?
Herb: Go to bed. And hopefully wake up in a universe that actually makes sense.
Ted: Love you too bud. Before you go. I need a new name. You know, a stage name. How about ‘Ted the
Bed?’
Herb: Goodnight.
Herb is taking a shower, leaning against the tiled wall as water runs down his body. He gets out of the
shower and into his room, with a towel around his waist. He walks over to his computer to check e-mail.
He sees one from Jillian Walker. He opens it. The image loads and it's a picture of a giant rat. The text
underneath it reads, 'Rats! I'm still thinking of YOU!' Herb laughs, turns off the computer. He walks over
to his bed, a few moments later, lies down and just stares at the ceiling. He then takes a piece of paper out
of his wallet and unfolds it to read it. He then sighs and turns off his light.
CLIP 2
Scene 29: Herb runs over to Jill's house. He suddenly stops when he sees Jill outside the house sitting on
the stoop, slowly eating a brownie. He slowly approaches her.
Herb: Jill...
Jill: Well, look who it is. Why are you bleeding?
Herb: That's not important.
Jill: You stink of that trash. She couldn't wait to send me pictures of you with her cell phone. Unreal.
Herb: Nothing happened Jill. Just a kiss and I left.
Jill: How could you, Herb? And then you don't even have the decency to pick up the phone and say you're
not coming.
Herb: I wanted to come. I really did.
Jill: But something else came up. You'd rather sleep with Ms. Easy. A girl that gets a rise out of watching
me cry.
Herb: It's not like that.
Jill: No. That's exactly what the fuck this is!
She's about to break down but quickly gathers her composure and speaks softly.
Jill: What happened? You were one of the good guys. Part of a dying breed. Now I look at you, and...
you're no better than the rest of them. And that's something I never thought I'd say. Ever.
Herb: Why do you care so much anyway?
Jill: Excuse me?
Herb: These things don't ever work out! No matter how good we think we are for each other, something
stupid would have happened. Then you and I won't even acknowledge each other. Am I such a bad guy
to realize that and not want to be a part of it?
Jill: You know what? I don't know if it would have lasted or not. But what do you consider a successful
relationship, Herb?! Marriage? Is there a particular time frame that would make it worth while for you?
Herb: No because they're all shit. People end up hating each other. I would never want you to hate me.
Jill: Oh well I'm pretty close to hating you... And of all people, Carolyn?
Herb: I went to her place because she doesn't scare me! I look at her, and I feel nothing. It's safe! All I
see is a pretty face that wants to have fun. I look at you and it's like...this power. This power I give you.
No one should give someone else that much power over them. It's irresponsible. And when I'm with you,
I feel that way. I just can't put myself in that situation! I did it to push you away.
Jill: You know what your problem is? You're a selfish coward! Maybe we would have hurt each other in
the end. But I was ready to embrace these feelings. I left a guy who treated me like I didn't matter
because it was you who gave me the hope that things could be different. I was scared of the same thing.
But I said to myself, 'Jill, you need to take a leap of faith. And if you fall, at least you fall for something
that matters'. Just one night would have made it worthwhile. You didn't feel the same way, did you?
You'd rather hurt me to protect yourself.
His chin starts to tremble as he swallows his saliva and his eyes become glassy.
Herb: People keep leaving. I don't know what else to do. (His voice cracks)
Jill: Herb, the thing is, I'm not Ray. And I'm not Ted. Most importantly, I'm not Anessa! So why do you
keep punishing me for things that they did to you?!
Herb: I...
Puts his head down.
Herb: I don't know.
Jill: Because you're an asshole, that's why.
She throws Herb a bag.
Jill: There's your stupid present. Choke on it
She walks inside her home. Herb takes the item out of the bag. It's a navy blue t-shirt that reads,
"Mediocre Man". He lets out a heavy sigh and looks up at the sky.
Herb: (to himself) How would I choke on a t-shirt?
Jill yells from inside her home
Jill: Choke!
CLIP 3
Herb: Wow. A world where only women exist…
Ray: Boy, would that suck.
Herb: This whole thing sucks! I got a snake wrapped around my body really tight. I'm starting to get
dizzy.
Ray: That's the least of our problems.
10 seconds of silence passes. Herb whistles while Ray sighs.
Herb: In a world where only women exist, the toilet seat would never be left down.
Ray: In a world where only women exist, Ryan Seacrest would exist.
Herb: In a world where only women exist, Cher would not exist.
Ray: In a world where only women exist, watching episodes of Will & Grace would become mandatory.
Herb: In a world where only women exist, the WNBA will still not be watched.
Ray: Good one.
CLIP 4
Tara and Mike enter a hotel room, and begin to make out. They make their way to the bed.
He puts his hand on her leg.
Tara: Hey, do you remember what you did to me in 8th grade?
Mike: I don't believe I do.
Tara: Oh it's just a small thing. You told the entire class that I was awful in bed. Funny thing is, we had
never slept together. Do you know how cruel a bunch of 13 year olds can be?
Mike: I'm so sorry Tara. But that was decades ago. I was an immature prick.
Tara: Doesn't seem like much has changed...
Mike: Excuse me?
Tara: Well you call yourself mature? You have a wife and kids and here you are, in a expensive hotel,
trying to fuck me after talking to me for 5 minutes.
Mike: Still a freak, aren't you? I knew this was a stupid idea. But I gave you the benefit of the doubt.
You're still a crackpot.
Tara: And you're still a bad human being.
Mike: Whatever. I'm leaving. Get therapy, you cheap slut!
Tara points her finger to the door and it automatically locks. Mike tries to open it with force but no
result.
Mike: What the hell is going on here?
Tara: I'll tell you what's going on here Michael. You've done a lot of wrong in your life and now, it's
time to pay for your sins. You made my adolescent years miserable. And now you're making your wife
miserable.
As she speaks, she starts to turn into the hideous witch form.
Mike: My God! Somebody help!
Tara: Don't insult our intelligence. She knows what the late nights are about. They're about you crushing
the feelings of people that love you, that would die for you. Do you even care?
Mike: I'm sorry. What do you want from me? Money?! I have plenty of it. Just let me out of here
Tara: No. You came to get laid. You're going to get laid.
She kisses Mike's lips. Because she's in witch form, body contact is lethal. His skin begins to burn with
every kiss. She continues to kiss him all over his body, including his crotch. This is when he screams the
loudest.
Tara: This feels so good.
He burns to the point where all you see is his skeleton. Tara has killed Mike. She holds up his skull and
begins to laugh.
Tara: Too hot to handle.
His bones turn into dust. Tara turns back into human form.
Tara: That was some good practice. Now It's time to move onto better things!
COMMENTARY
On The Plot
Since I had about two and a half years to reflect on the feeling of losing a first love and realize the outcome of it, I was well equipped to finally write about it in a script. So I wanted to start the story after Herb's breakup. Anessa played an important role in all three Mediocre Man stories, which was another hurdle in writing a 4th story that didn't include her. But if Herb's entire journey in MM4 was to let go of the only girl he loved and move onto a new relationship, then you have a story that understands and acknowledges the significance of her character and uses her absence as a key plot point. I wanted there to be a new girl that Herb was a friend with. Someone that he was very close to that would sort of test his resistance and fear for loving again. This was the character of Jill Walker. I could've gone the route of starting the story with the two meeting but I wanted the two to have already established some type of bond and chemistry. That way, when the story starts, you see this new budding relationship that's eventually thwarted by Herb's own personal demons.
I also wanted to tie in Herb's best friends in this theme of 'letting go'. So his brother Ray returned for another significant role. After his first appearance in MM3, I was excited about the prospects of writing a fourth one because Herb would have a sidekick. He gets engaged in this story after living with his girlfriend and their baby boy. Remember, it takes place three years after MM3 so I wanted a lot to change since then. Herb should be happy for Ray and his bright future, but he's being selfish in the story and knows that he holds a much lesser role in that future. In addition, his best friend Ted, who he's living with, is moving to the west coast to pursue an outrageous career opportunity. So all these changes are happening with Herb and he responds by pushing away the new friends in his life, most notably Jill. It made for very interesting drama. There's also another new female character who doesn't share the kindest of personalities.
The villain Tara and Herb had some stark similarities in their journeys. Both were broken hearted and a bit scarred by people that they loved exiting their lives. Mid way through the story, Herb allows these feelings to overtake his better judgment and pushes away. Because he's not a bad person. He's only confused. Because of that good spirit, and family, he's able to learn the hard but basic lesson in life. It's a painful part of life that takes its course with time and new challenges. However, Tara had been hurt too many times and was beyond being saved. She didn't have the family or friends that Herb did, which sealed her fate and cased her to go the opposite path. With stories that include clear cut protagonists and antagonists, it works seamlessly when both of them have similar problems, but solve them differently.
Final words
This is one of my favorite Mediocre Man stories for many reasons. I wasn't supposed to write it and did anyway. I realized I hadn't outgrown the character
and the stories, so when the time finally came and I wrote it, I was proud of the outcome. I didn't care if it sounded silly or juvenile. A lot of elements within the story are deliberate. But there's also heart and humor and hopefully creativity involved.
After taking 3 writing classes, I was able to utilize the lessons I learned there and apply them to Mediocre Man installments. It's been encouraging how to see each one reads better and better. It shows some time of progression and evolution. I look forward to seeing that type of progression in the years and stories to come.
I feel the dialogue was the best and that trend continued with MM 5. It was an opportunity for a fresh start while continuing the heart of the last stories. It's more mature, bolder and better, yet it still fits in with the others. Probably the drama aspect is the most influential genre of the story. All the characters conflicts or intentions seemed to tie together nicely to the theme and the 'power of letting go'.
Mediocre Man 3 (2003)
It's been 6 months since Herb Lopez (Mediocre Man) and girlfriend Anessa decided to take an indefinite break after her move to the west coast in order to tend to her rising career. Now a college student, Lopez has a hard time dealing with his maturation stage that he labels as 'the curse of time'. During their time off, Herb decides to go on a blind date set up by friends Ted and Byron. Little did his friends know that they were setting Herb up with the evil Diana, a senior at an all girl private high school. Though seemingly just another dumb blonde, she and her boyfriend Andrew are following through an outlandish plan to monopolize Brooklyn's schooling system.
After Diana's 'date' with Herb, she realizes that she accidentally leaves behind incriminating evidence regarding their plan. The evidence falls into Herb's hands. It then becomes their duty and responsibility to kill Mediocre Man and all who he associates himself with in order to keep their secret safe.
On top of this calamity, Herb's father informs him that he indeed has an older brother. Ray's existence has been hidden from the mediocre hero for good reason. But when Herb, Ray and Anessa, who makes a return, realize that they're against forces far more powerful than just the villainous couple, they must work together to save their own lives and the borough of Brooklyn.
CLIP 1
Herb opens a folder that’s on his lap and takes out a paper that he has written. It is titled, “America’s game: Different, But Still Beautiful”. He flips through the pages and quickly reads certain sentences.
Herb: (to himself) Come on, Herb! You can do this. This is a great story. This is better than 90 percent of the things that are printed in the paper…Okay.
He gets up from the bench, walks inside a building and makes his way to the BC Weekly office, which is where they print the school newspaper. As he approaches the door, he starts to tense up a bit. His hands shake as he tries to turn the knob. He releases his hand from the knob and just stares at the door for a few moments. Suddenly, the door swings open and hits Herb right in the head, causing him to fall on the floor. An attractive girl had opened the door. She looks at Herb, and appears concerned.
Girl: Oh my God! I’m so sorry.
Herb: Oh. No. It’s fine.
He quickly gets up from the floor.
Herb: That’s what doors do. They open. Ha.
Girl: Are you alright?? Herb: You mean besides a hurt ego? Sure, I’m okay.
Girl: Well, can I help you with something?
Herb: Actually, yeah…
Although he wants to ask about joining the school paper team, he begins to get nervous and changes.
Herb: Can you tell me where the Bursar’s Office is located?
Girl: Sure. It’s straight down that way.
She points to her right.
Herb: (Sighs) Thanks a lot. I appreciate.
Herb walks to the exit door, which is on his left. The girl appears very confused.
Girl: What a strange guy.
CLIP 2
Scene 10: Herb’s dad drives away in his van while both Ray and Herb are still in the house.
Ray: Dude! So what kind of dinner have you cooked for me?
Herb: Dinner for you?!
Ray: Yeah! What’s wrong? You’re deaf?
Herb: I didn’t even know you were coming until 2 minutes ago.
Ray: Oh so dadio waited that long to tell you the good news, ay?!
Herb: Oh yeah! Great news! I couldn’t have asked for anything better for my birthday. Right up there on my list. A laptop, season tickets, Jessica Biel…Oh and a crazy older brother who tried to kill me.
Ray: Okay. I’m sensing a little sarcasm on your part.
Herb: You got a great sense there…”BROTHER.”
Ray: You know what they say about sarcastic people? They’re insecure.
Herb: You know what they say about brothers trying to kill you when you’re just an innocent baby? They’re psycho!
Ray: If you give me a couple of minutes, I can explain.
Herb: Okay. Fine. Why did you try to kill me?
Ray: Well you know how it is. I was only 12 when you were born. At first I thought it would be great to have a baby bro. You see, dad and mom told me that I would always be their first and their favorite. I believed it for a while. But then, they gave you my room! You know where I had to sleep? On the freezing cold floor until they fixed the other, smaller room for me. It just became too much. So I tried to drown you. It’s been a rough road ever since. There hasn’t been a night that I haven’t regretted what I did. I was young and disturbed.
Herb: Well you shouldn’t have done me any favors.
Ray: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Herb: It means that you should have finished the job!
Ray: What’s wrong with my baby bro? He seems a little depressed.
Herb: Nothing is wrong.
Ray: Girl trouble? Hey, I read all the newspaper articles about you! Who would have thought my brother, the hero. Saved his girl twice along with his entire senior class. Mediocre Man!
Herb: That’s ancient history.
Ray: Come on! Let’s talk about Anessa Hotlicious. What happened?! She’s seeing someone else?
Herb: I don’t know. We’re on some weird hiatus. So she could be. I have no idea.
Ray: So why not try dating during this hiatus?
Herb: Well, I tried that! But I was tied to a chair. And not in the fun way either. And I’m an A plus loser according to some sources.
Ray: That can’t be it. What’s the matter? You’re not well hung down there?
Ray points in between Herb’s legs.
Herb: What are you talking about?
Ray: What? I gotta spell it out for you!? How big is your sausige!?!
Herb: Let’s just say I do well down there.
Ray: How well?
Herb: Above average. I’m the girl pleasa.
Ray: Is that so?
Ray pushes his pants down. Ray: Size contest! Right here! Right now! 20 bucks says I’m bigger.
Herb: What the hell are you talking about now?
Ray: Come on! Let’s find out which Lopez brother is the better girl pleaser.
Herb: You’re crazy!
Ray: Wow! Is it that small?
Herb: No!! I’m going to sleep. It’s been a long ass night, week and year. And with you around, I assume it’s going to be even longer.
Herb stares at the bed in his old bedroom.
Herb: Here, you can take my bed. I’ll sleep somewhere else. Maybe even the floor. I wouldn’t want you to get all killer, crazy mode on me. It means more to you than it does to me.
Ray: I really appreciate it. Thanks. Hey, do you mind if I raid the frig?
Herb: Be my guest. Don’t think we have much though.
Ray: Fine by me dude. I may snore a bit during the night. Oh and I have this weird pre sleep ritual. Just giving you the warning.
Herb: Whatever.
Herb gets out a blanket and gets ready for bed as he makes his way to the living room couch. Ray starts blasting The Ramones songs on the stereo. He jumps around the living room, singing and pretending to play the guitar with a tennis racket.
Herb: Hey ho! Let’s go!! Woo!
Herb: Why me?!
CLIP 3
Scene 19: That afternoon, at 11:59 AM, Mediocre Man is shown riding his bike the Brooklyn Bridge walkway. He stops in the middle as he sees a girl a approaching him. It’s Dieana.
Diana: Hello Mediocre loser. You look like you got absolutely no sleep last night.
Herb: What the hell do you think you’re doing?
Diana: Having some fun. What’s wrong Herb? I guess that’s a stupid question. After all, you’ve had a pretty rough week. Your ‘girlfriend’ was supposed to head out to Mongolia and leave her trash, trash being you, behind. You find out you had a brother who tried to murder you. Now, they’ve both been kidnapped, all because of you. But worst of all, you got rejected by me, quite the cutie!
Herb: You are, miss Diana, a grade A wacko. And you still owe me $200.
Diana: I played you so bad that day.
Herb: We know. We know. Where are my they?
Diana: No need to worry. They aren’t dead…yet!
Herb: If you hurt them, I swear…
Diana: Um, excuse me? I don’t think you understand. You aren’t exactly in the position to offer me threats. That is currently my job.
Herb: Brainwashing kids?! You are nothing but a robot and a puppet for your school. You’re a whore for the system!
Diana: You are one sensitive guy Herb. I think you have a phone call.
She whips out a cell phone and hands it to Herb.
Herb: Hello?
Anessa: Can you do me a favor?
Herb: Ness? Is that you?
Anessa: Make her life so miserable that she wishes she had a yeast infection instead of dealing with you.
Herb: (Laughs) Always humorous, no matter what. Have they hurt you?
Anessa: Not yet, but it’s not looking so good. These are some real nuts.
Herb: I swear to you Ness, you and Ray are gonna be okay. I’m going to get you two out of this.
Diana: Aw! Isn’t that sweet? She has her own knight in shining armor. What a loser!
She grabs the phone from Herb.
Diana: I wouldn’t bet on this Rican weakling saving you anytime soon Ness. Ha! Later.
She hangs up.
Herb: What the hell do you want from me?
Diana: Well, to be honest, at first we wanted to kill you. We were unsuccessful three times. And you got us really pissed. So instead of killing you, we are going to fuck around with you, which in my opinion, will be much worse. Here’s how it’s going to go from here. Since I know you love baseball so much, maybe this won’t be so bad for you after all. Are you familiar with Shea and Yankee Stadium?
Herb: Oh boy…Yes I am. Why?
Diana: Well you see you’re precious Nessie is going to be literally hanging out at the top of Yankee Stadium, while your broskey will be doing the same thing but at the top of Shea Stadium.
Herb: I don’t like where this is going.
Diana: As you know, both teams are out of town, which will mean minimal security. And since we have Larney and Eggzaverian special access, we can get in whenever the hell we please. Any who, they will be tied to the top of each stadium. Now if you don’t go to save them, they will be released from all the way up top, and let’s just say the respective janitors are going to have a big mess on their hands.
Herb: You are sick!
Diana; Hold on. It gets better. See, as of now, you have 0 time to rescue them. You have to earn the time. Bishop Larney has a little Guy Auction going on tonight and you will be one of the guys selling yourself. For each dollar a girl bids on you, you gain five minutes. So if you receive a small bid, it looks like you are going to have very little driving time to rescue both of them. Who know? You may even have to choose one.
Herb: Did you say drive? Diana: That’s right. We will provide you with a car to drive…Oops. That’s right! You don’t have a license. Not to mention you are afraid of driving. I guess you’re going to have to get over that fear for their sake. You poor baby. Well, look at the time. I gotta go. See you at 7 at Club Neo. Oh and it requires great dancing skills so you better get your freak on.
Herb: You may be pretty but you are so insane, it’s unreal!
Diana: Thanks. Bye sweetie.
Andrew picks her up in a motorcycle and they ride away.
Herb: Crazy ass.
COMMENTARY
On the plot
We finally introduce Herb as a college student. MM2 ended with his high school graduation. So this one all starts on the college campus of the t-shirt that he’s proudly worn. Brooklyn College. Sound familiar? We see that he's still the same insecure mess we remember from the last one. Now he's basically at the tail end of his teenage years. Those can be very confusing times. The story begins by delving into these feelings of confusion but unlike MM2, these moments are brief. Most of the time in the first act is spent introducing Herb's brother, which was fun. It's hard to bring in family members when they weren't mention in previous installments, so that posed as a challenge. Although I'm sure these weird families exist, there's always a bit of fiction and humor in these stories.
Herb's relationship with Anessa is basically nonexistent throughout the story. I, myself, was going through the whole long distance relationship struggle. So naturally, I dragged Herb along for the same ride of emotions and disappointments that whole mess creates. She's an actress, which was established since the 1st story, so it was a seamless transition to have her character become consumed with her up and coming career. This leaves Herb basically on the rebound and the great friend that Ted is (who's one of only three characters to have appeared in all 5 Mediocre Man stories: Herb and his father are the other two)he organizes a blind date for him via the internet. Herb learns a painful lesson because of that. The main theme is The Curse Of Time. That's sort of the motto, but it's a story that's not as focused or singular as the others. For instance, the villains don't necessarily relate to the theme or Herb's emotional journey. They're just greedy and are there for the adventurous aspect of the story. In addition, that motto doesn't speak for Herb's new relationship with his brother. It speaks for Herb and Anessa really. This is probably the craziest of all the 5 stories in the sense that not everything always clicks and comes together. That's not a bad thing though. In fact, it was fun to write. I spent time in the school library writing this story...in the summer! It may not be the best thing I've done, but I think it's good fun and once again, speaks for myself and the obstacles I felt that I faced when I wrote it. I enjoy its humor and this was really the catalyst for me to write a better Mediocre Man 2 the following year and 4-5 years later.
Final words
This was written a long time ago: over 5 years to be exact (writing this entry 11/18). To re-read Mediocre Man 3, I realized that I've come pretty far in writing these stories. But none of that evolution process would be possible without this one. This was the beginning of something pretty damn cool. For myself, the most intriguing writing is always honesty. Honesty with yourself, the world, people, conversations. I felt that honesty come through the pages as I read it. If you look through the fictitious parts, and there are some, my hope is that you'll see it as well. This story paved the way for the next two stories, giving Anessa and Herb's relationship more depth and conflict, adding an amazingly amusing character with Ray, creating preposterous antagonistic plots just to name a few.
It's definitely the most chaotic Mediocre Man, but it's still a lot of fun. I look back at the writing sessions with fond memories. It puts a smile on my face and has much meaning to me. It was the start of harder and more confusing times and to see how feelings change along with writing styles has definitely been a learning experience.
Mediocre Man 2 (2004 Rewrite)
It's been a year since Herb Lopez became Mediocre Man and found his first love, actress Anessa Hotlicious. But as her career quickly grows, so do Herb's insecurities of being nothing more than Mediocre Man. Anessa is thrown into a life full of glamour and upscale friends. This forces Herb to do anything in his power to fit into that lifestyle and hold onto his relationship, even if that means abandoning his average ways. During this process, he struggles to find a new niche and identity.
Meanwhile, loner and high school peer, Rick Roscow develops an obsession with Anessa. So much so that he decides to undergo a self induced dangerous science experiment that involves turning Rick into everything Herb isn't: a Superior Man! This project is successful, giving him the charm, wit, strength and looks that Herb doesn't quite possess.
At first, Rick's newly acquired attributes alone aren't enough to woo the actress, as she is devoted to Herb. But that doesn't deter his pursuit. He later uses several psychological tactics that expose Herb's lack of confidence and their relationship. When all else fails for Roscow, he resorts to force and revenge on the entire senior class. It's up to Lopez to be victorious in the battle between mediocrity and superiority.
CLIP 1
Anessa: Herb! IT’S TIME TO GET OUT OF THE FREAKING LIMO!
Herb: I don’t feel too good...
Anessa: Herbert Lopez, if you don’t get out of the limo right now, I will drag you by your ski slope hair cut!!
He peaks out of the limo and sees all the people and becomes easily intimidated.
Herb: I don’t think I can do it...
Anessa: Okay, what if we make a deal. If you come out, we can play that game you like so much tonight.
Herb: Which one?
Anessa: You know which one...
Herb: Pleather and the beast?!
Anessa: Yes, pleather and the beast. Now please come out.
Herb: Okay. I’ll try.
Herb gets out of limo and hundreds of flashes are shown. They walk through the red carpet smiling. Herb is in awe by all the attention of the media. They stop in the middle of their walk to pose.
Herb: Why are we stopping? Anessa: (Smiling as she responds) Just shut up and smile.
Herb: Oh this is the posing time.
Anessa: Yes.
A photographer yells out to them
Photographer: Anessa, who is your date?
Anessa: His name is Herb Lopez
Photographer: How old are you Herb?
Anessa: Herb is 18 years old and a senior in high school.
Reporter: Hey, does Herb Lopez have a voice?
All the reporters and photographers start laughing.
Herb: Ha ha. Yeah I do.
Reporter: So how did you meet Anessa?
Herb: At school...
Reporter: Wow, you’re just a ball of laughs, Lopez? Can anyone ever get you to shut up?
Herb: But I’m not talking...
Reporter: The hell you’re not.
Herb: Yeah...
Herb and Anessa walk through the red carpet as they smile and wave at photographers. As they walk, Herb accidentally steps on the bottom of Anessa’s dress, causing it to rip. She then trips and fall as he falls on top of her. The photographers and reporters start laughing hysterically.
Herb: Oh no! Are you okay Ness?
Anessa: Oh just dandy.
Herb: I’m so sorry...
Anessa: You mind getting off me now?
Herb: Yeah!
They both get up, but her dress is so torn that her panties are showing. Herb bends over and tries to cover it.
Herb: Oh no! It’s okay Ness. I got you covered...
Anessa: Get up!
Herb: Hey, you’re wearing the Yankee panties I got you. Awesome.
Anessa: Oy!
CLIP 2
Scene 9: Herb is going inside his home. He checks the mail and has three letters from colleges. One from NYU, Harvard, and Georgetown.
Herb: Please, give me some good news...
::He opens the letter from NYU letter and starts reading the piece of paper.
Herb: Dear Herb Lopez, We regret to inform you that...’ Come on!!!! YOU GUYS SUCK! SUCK!
A neighbor walks by and stares at Herb in confusion.
Herb: O hi, Mrs. Gonzalez
Ms. Gonzalez: (to herself): That boy has finally lost it.
Herb: Okay. 2 more letters...What are the chances that I GET REJECTED FROM ALL 3 SCHOOLS?!
::Opens Harvard letter::
Herb: ‘Dear Mr. Lopez, Because you are such a dumb specimen, there is no way on God’s green Earth that we will accept you’re mediocre ass into our University. We tried extremely hard not to laugh at your sub par application, and failed in doing so...we laughed so hard we pissed our pants. Good luck in the future?!’ Wow these colleges are getting more direct. Who needs Harvard?!?! Not Herb Lopez! I hold in my hand the final letter. But this upsetting trend is scaring me.
Herb begins to open the final letter, then stops.
Herb: I can’t do it...
Scene 10: Herb is outside of Ted’s house.
Herb: YO! TED! You there buddy!?
Ted opens the front door in anger.
Ted: What is it, ass clown?!
Herb: I need you to open this letter from Georgetown for me.
Ted: Why the hell can’t you open it!?
Herb: Just please...I think it’ll bring some luck. Usually when the guy lets the friend open the college letter, something positive always happens.
Ted: You mean like all the movies and cheesy sitcoms?
Herb: Exactly.
Ted: Give me the damn letter.
Ted opens it and silently reads it.
Herb: So...what’s the verdict?
Ted: Um, I don’t know how to say this?
Herb: WHAT?!
Ted: You didn’t get in.
Herb: Oh (laughs) I know what you’re doing...It’s the token friend trick... Any second now, you’re gonna say, "Gotcha! Congrats buddy, you got in"
Ted: Yeah, except for I’m not a corny bastard and I just read what’s on the letter...
Herb slams head against Ted’s front door. door, while same neighbor, Mrs. Gonzalez walks by.
Herb: Hey, Mrs. Gonzalez again...Bad day.
Mrs. Gonzalez: (mutters) What a psycho.
Herb: Ted, what the hell am I going to do?!
Ted: You got into Brooklyn, didn’t you?
Herb: Yeah.
Ted: So go there... Stop acting like a little girl.
Herb: You don’t understand man. I wanted to do something special. I wanted to feel exceptional...
Ted: Since when?!
Herb: Since I realized I’m destined for a life of mediocrity. Since I realized that I haven’t done anything spectacular. Since that night at the hospital
CLIP 3
He gives Todd a five as he walks outside the crowd and sees Herb.
Rick: Hey Herbbie! What’s shaking?
Rick pats him on the back.
Herb: Nothing much man. You’re looking sharp though.
Rick: Ah It’s nothing. How is Ness doing?
Herb: Oh, she’s fine. She’s coming home in a couple days from her promotion stuff.
Rick: BUSY, BUSY GAL! You two have anything planned?
Herb: Yeah, she loves beef, so I think I’m going to take her to this steakhouse.
Rick: Oh, you gotta love a girl who stands by her meat...ESPECIALLY beef. So what is the name of this steakhouse?
Herb: Tad’s.
Rick: TAD’S?!?!?! (laughs) You’re taking the ANESSA HOTLICIOUS to Tad’s?! (laughs)
Herb: Yeah...Question: Why does this amuse you!?!
Rick: Answer: It’s basically a dive...Herbbie, Herbbie...Walk with me. Talk with me.
They walk into the school and in the halls.
Rick: Now, Tad’s OKAY for a nice meal during a lunch break...Not gonna win you any points with the ladies though.
Herb: It won’t?!
Rick: I understand your situation. I do, and I feel for you. It must be hard going out with a girl who makes more than you will probably make in 10 lifetimes. She works for Hollywood and you work for?!?!
Herb: The Brooklyn Library...
Rick: (Laughs) Right... But the point is you can still manage to take her breath away. Here, take her to Peter Lugaa’s. This place has top of the line, aged, thick, juicy steaks. T-bones, sirlon, shell steaks, you name it. Best in the city. NOW that’s where you gotta take her. Have a nice candle-lit dinner. Great band, great atmosphere, awesome view of the city...I know how much she loves the city.
Herb: Yeah, I’m glad you know so much about my girlfriend. Do you know what toothpaste she uses too?
Rick: Calm down. I’m just trying to help a brother out. Anyway, that’s WHAT I WOULD DO! I do understand how hard it is for a librarian to afford a night like that. I’ll tell you what I can do... There’s an entrance fee of 30 dollars a person. Now I have some connections. If you want, I could get you two lovebirds in there for free.
Herb: Thanks a lot Rick. I appreciate the offer, but I think I can afford the place on my own.
Rick: OK suit yourself. Just remember, they don’t accept food stamps. I’ll see you later man. Tell the Mrs. I said I loved her in her film. Later!
Snaps his finger, smiles, and walks away. Ted approaches Herb after hearing their conversation.
Ted: Ouch! Wow, that had to hurt!
Herb punches his locker really hard twice. He is in pain but refrains from showing it.
Ted: Bet that hurt a little more, didn’t it?!
Herb: Yeah...Ah! Guess I should be worried, right?
Ted: Of Rick? No. God no.
They stare at each other for ten seconds.
Ted: Well maybe...a LITTLE cautious...
They stare at each other for another ten seconds.
Ted: I mean, I’D BE PRETTY WORRIED, but not THAT worried...
Then another few seconds.
Ted: Come to think of it, you’re in pretty deep shit bro...
Herb: That’s what I thought.
CLIP 4
Herb: Why are you doing this Rick? Those people in that boat are innocent. They are just trying to have fun.
Rick: Innocent?! HAHAHA Herbbie, give me a break. No one in that ship is innocent. People like Jake, Jared, Todd, Mike, Chris. Are they innocent?! They didn’t seem so innocent when they stole my homework and made the last four years a living hell for me!! No. They were guilty Herb! Guilty and you know it! Calling me names. Saying I’m the world’s biggest dork! Now a guy like me will finally gets what he wants...revenge and the girl of his dreams.
Herb: What’s happened to you?! We were friends Rick. Not too long ago.
Rick: That was the old me, Herb. I’m a new man...A Superior Man.
Herb: The point is, I’ve been bullied just as much as you have! We are kind of similar! I understand what you’re going through! But this isn’t the answer!
COMMENTARY
On the plot
As much material as I had to write Mediocre Man 2, some rules and restraints applied. Because I was treating this as prequel, I couldn't include Herb's brother Ray. He introduces himself in MM3. That was kind of a drag because that character was really fun to write. But it allowed me to have Herb's friend Ted play a more prominent role since he was for the most part MIA. This story takes place a year after the first Mediocre Man. Herb and Anessa's relationship hits a peak during that year. But as soon as the first scene, we see the problems that could potentially drive these two apart. Anessa's career is thriving after her debut movie premieres. Herb, adjusting to life as Mediocre Man isn't as smooth as anticipated.
In the first story, the main drive behind Herb's journey and what made it unique was that he didn't wish to be extraordinary or this smooth talker. No. He wished to be average. At that time in his life, being average was an ideal world that he felt would make him happy. But that was before he fell in love with a girl who works in a field which idolizes its figures. The more she becomes that iconic figure, the more Herb starts to sink. And to a degree, he sabotages himself and the relationship while attempting to fix his insecurities. That's really what this story is about. It's a natural progression from the first Mediocre Man because you see Herb's inner turmoil and the consequences of being a shockingly average guy. If he was romantically involved with anyone else, whether that be a neighbor or a friend of a friend, he'd feel comfortable and content. But with a celebrity who's popularity grows throughout the story, it's a major problem. He tries to impress her with fancy dinners, job titles, rather than just being his odd charming self. There's some sweet stuff he does, like sell his prized possession in order to afford to take his woman to an expensive restaurant: a special Spider-Man comic book.
The more intriguing twist in this complex relationship is that Anessa starts to believe the people that tell her Herb isn't the best fit for her life, to say the least. This notion justifies Herb's paranoia. Her agent, Mike, serves as the poster child for this philosophy and pushes her to find a boyfriend that could help boost her stardom even further ala Jessica Simpson-Nick Lachey. Just a guy she could use to get her name out into the tabloids. On the fly, I thought of this idea of Anessa starring in a movie about the events that took place in the first movie. The movie within a movie idea, which I believe was used in Scream and A New Nightmare. The idea was a little out there but it served the purpose of revealing her agent's deviant ways. He plans to cast Herb's role with an actor that has potential to also be a star. This way, the two could fall for each other. Coincidentally, this other actor just happens to be the main villain of the story, Rick Roscow.
Final Words
In the end, this is light years ahead of the original MM2 in terms of the quality. WIth the exception of a few gaffes on my part, it's one of my favorite Mediocre Man stories. With my ankle injury that I sustained, I was hurting in more ways than one and needed Herb Lopez more than ever to help pass the time. Luckily it was also at a time where I felt inspired enough to spill 80 or so pages of my heart and personal problems and try to make it funny and interesting, while adding a little adventure. The fights that Herb and Anessa have are interesting. They both act like idiots but vindicate themselves by the end of act 3. Anessa had outside influence to do things and be with someone for all the wrong reasons, something that tends to happen in Hollywood or even when you're popular and people take a vested interest in you. Herb allowed Rick and others to get under his skin. When you don't feel good about yourself, it doesn't matter what you try, your love relationship is destined to fail. They learn their lessons before it's too late. I love how we bring the whole MEDIOCRE theme to it, something that's involved in all the stories, but really is at the forefront in this one. In Mediocre Man 1, he's seeking normality and here, he wants to rid himself of it. It's really about self love and self acceptance when being thrust into a superficial world where that's really hard to do. It's a timeless lesson that I still struggle with learning today. But I think I'm a smarter and better person for writing it. At least just a little bit.
Mediocre Man (2002)
High school junior Herb Lopez leads his life an uninspired and lethargic soul. His underwhelming popularity with his peers and the womenfolk has him thirsting to become just a 'regular guy'. Unfortunately, Lopez is not very careful what he wishes for.
While volunteering at a local hospital, Herb gets into an accident involving two blood samples of polar opposite individuals: One of a successful billionaire. The other of a homeless man. These two DNA samples enter Herb's body and cancel each other out, turning him into Mediocre Man.
Lopez is initially ecstatic to look, act and sound less like an outcast, but quickly realizes being average at everything has significant drawbacks. He realizes this granted wish can also be a curse.
In addition, he meets Anessa Hotlicious, an aspiring actress whose career is on the rise. They quickly take a liking for each other. But when her jealous, evil twin sister Valerie kidnaps her in order to steal her acting roles, Herb must attempt to save the girl he pines for by going from zero to...somewhere in the middle.
CLIP 1
Chris: Okay, Herb. Whatever you do, please do not ground into a double play. Anything but a double play.
Herb: Okay.(To himself) Gee, I wonder what’s going to happen now.
Herb steps up to the batter’s box, looking very intimidated. The pitcher winds up and delivers the pitch. Herb swings at the very first pitch and hits the ball, but weakly and right to second base. The 2nd baseman gets the ball, steps on the bag and throws it to first, and just gets Herb in time for the double play. Herb puts head down.
Gym teacher: Okay guys. That’s it. The bell is about to ring. Pack it up!
Chris looks at Herb with disdain.
Chris: I seriously think you are cursed Herb. What a loser! Next time, I don’t care if Mullin threatens to fail me, you will be nowhere near my team. Your curse may rub off on them too.
Herb: Thanks a lot man.
Scene 5: Herb goes into the empty locker room and punches one of the lockers. He takes out an asthma pump, sprays it in his mouth and throws it across the room.
Herb: ::Yells to himself:: Dick! I want to take that lacrosse stick of his and shove it up his ass!
The janitor, Juan, is mopping the floor in the background and over hears his rant.
Herb: Sorry about that Juan.
Juan: It’s okay amigo. I know the feeling.
Herb: You do?
Juan: Sure. I’m a janitor amigo. Clean up this, Juan. Clean up that Juan. I just want to go crazy some days. One day, Herb. One day this whole school will feel my pain. One day they will be cleaning up for me!! We’ll see how they like mopping up vomit, cleaning up toilet seats. They will one day see. (Laughs)
Silence is heard for about 10 seconds.
Herb: No they won’t.
Juan: Yeah, probably not.
Herb: Gotta go. Good luck with that though. See you tomorrow buddy.
Juan: Adios amigo.
CLIP 2
Scene 6: Herb enters the cafeteria with his tray of food in hand. He looks around for a cool group of people to sit with. Not wanting to look like a loner, he sits in the front where it is known to be the SMART table.
David: Whoa, whoa. Hold it, right there!!
Herb: Who me?
David: Yes, you! This lunch table has a standard of excellence.
Herb: What? I don’t know what you’re talking about but I just want to eat my lunch.
David: So, you want to be in our club!?!?!
Herb: Club? No, can’t I just sit here and eat.
David: What college do you plan on going to?
Herb: Well, I may be going to Kingsborough Community College. But if I get lucky, Brooklyn College is looking pretty nice right about now.
The whole table laughs.
Herb: What did I say?
David: Herbbie, Herbbie. This is an A plus table! You are like a C student. There is no place for you here. I plan on going to Harvard. And so do my 9 other friends here.
Herb: Harvard…never heard of it.
David: I’m sure you haven’t. Why don’t you go sit with a group more in your SAT level? (Laughs)
Herb: Thanks for being so cool guys. I thought you were going to be dicks.
He gets up and walks over and finds a table full of students mingling in the middle of the room and sits.
Peter: Hold up.
Herb: What? What now?!
Peter: Please stand up for a second please.
Herb stands up and Peter takes out measuring tape.
Peter: Make a muscle on your right arm.
Herb does so and Peter measures it and starts laughing.
Herb: I assume it’s too small for me to sit on this table.
Peter: You got that right. This is the athletic table and you are far from an athlete. You are so below average. What is that arm made of anyway, spaghetti?
The table laughs. A frustrated Herb walks over to another table full of kids sitting. As Herb sits though, a guy named Ken takes out a white colored card and puts it right next to Herb’s face.
Herb: Why are you putting a card next to my face?!?!
Ken: I’m sorry. You can’t sit here.
Herb: Why?!?! What is it this time? Is this the must not have facial hair section. The must not be a virgin table! What?!
Ken: If your skin is darker than this shade in the card, you are unable to sit here. That’s why it’s called the majority table.
Herb: You gotta be kidding me?!?! You know what?! Forget all of you. I’ll just sit alone.
Herb walks to the back of the room and sits alone the remainder of the period.
CLIP 3
Herb: Hey, I’m really sorry about that.
Anessa: No, don’t worry. Are you okay?
Herb: Fine. More pissed than anything.
Anessa: What a jerk!
Herb: Yeah. He’s what I like to call “Think their shit don’t stink people”. His head is so far up his ass. He’s going to marry his favorite person. Himself. He even has a mirror in his locker and he spends several minutes just staring at it. I kid you not.
Anessa: (Laughs) Oh yeah. Being in my business, you meet plenty of people like that.
Herb: Actress?
Anessa: Yep.
Herb: It could be worse. You could go to school here.
Anessa: Then I’d be a boy.
Herb: (Laughs) Yikes! Wouldn’t want that. Oh. I’m Herb Lopez by the way.
Anessa: That’s a pretty unique name.
Herb: Yeah, it’s one of my many curses.
Anessa: No! I didn’t mean it that way. It has a very nice ring to it. Anessa Hotlicious. Nice to meet you.
Herb: Hotlicious. Hmm? Is that Italian?
Anessa: Very funny. Stage name. Like Carmen Electra.
Herb: I would’ve never guessed.
Anessa: Shut up.
Herb: So how is the entertainment business treating you lately?
Anessa: Well, I haven’t done anything major as of yet. So far I’ve only done commercials.
Herb: Wait! You were in Hamburger Helper commercial, right?!
Anessa: Yeah that’s right! Oh my God, you recognized me?! That was years ago!
Herb: Yeah, I remember. Every time I would stay home from school sick, I always looked forward to watching that commercial. You were my first girl, crush thing! They ALWAYS played it in the
morning. You were great. “It’s helper time.”
Anessa: Wow. Well, I’m trying to get a part for a big movie right now. It’s an action flick starring the next big ‘action hero’.
Herb: The Rock?
Anessa: No Derek Jeter. It’s called, Down The Line…Fair! I play his love interest.
Herb: Right…
Anessa: Yeah, the only problem is my twin sister is also up for the role. So for the first time, we are sort of competing. And we both want the role so bad.
Herb: That must create some serious tension.
Anessa: Believe me, it does. My parents, my whole family, everyone is torn.
Herb: Well, don’t tell your sister, but I hope you get the role.
Anessa: Thanks. Well, I gotta go or else Val’s going to kill me.
Herb: Hey before you go, can I have your autograph? You would make a childhood dream come true.
Anessa: Are you serious? I’ve never signed an autograph before. Of course! Where would you like me to sign?
Herb opens his backpack and takes out a textbook.
Herb: Well, all I have on me is my Human Sexuality Text Book. (Laughs) Could you sign that?
Anessa: (Laughs) My first autograph on a sexuality book. Wow. Okay. What page?
Herb opens the book and flips through the pages.
Herb: Let’s see. We have the erection page, the STD page, the pregnancy page. I got it!! The orgasmic phase page.
Anessa: My mom would kill me.
::She signs the page and hands the book back to Herb:::
Anessa: Well, you are officially my first fan.
Herb: I won’t let you down. I’ll be a great fan. No stalker business.
CLIP 4
Scene 26: Anessa awakes from the attack, but she quickly realizes she’s tied up in
a dark, isolated and dirty room. The shadow of Valerie suddenly appears.
Anessa: Val, what the hell do you think you’re doing?
Valerie: Hello sis. Good to see that you slept well. I hope you like your new room, cuz you are going to be spending A LOT of time here.
Anessa: I swear to all that is sacred, I’m gonna kick your ass!
Valerie: Oh sure. We are going to switch identities for a while. You are now looking at the new Anessa and I shall be starring along side Derek…Derek Jeter. While you will be sleeping with the rats.
Anessa: Oh, like mom and dad won’t know.
Valerie: No they won’t. They are going to be in Long Island for months. I shall just pretend I’m you on the phone. I am an actress, you know.
Anessa: Come on, Val. We’re twins! We came from the same egg. How could you?
Valerie: Exactly. I shall win the competition
Anessa: Competition?! What are you talking about?!
Valerie: CHRISTMAS!
Anessa: Val, you are indeed a psycho.
Valerie: You see, Ness. This is why you are tied up. Because you so critical of everyone but yourself. You tortured me by celebrating in my face. So now I am going to torture you!
Anessa: No Val. Anything but the…
Valerie: That’s right!!!!
::She takes out a guitar::
Valerie: Time to sing and play you a song.
Anessa:: No! Anything but that disgrace of a voice.
Valerie: (Sings loud and terrible) Well..NESS IS TIED UP IN A DIRTY ASS ROOM WITH A WHOLE BUNCH OF RATS!! WHILE I SHALL STAR IN A MOVIE, HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT! I HAVE WON, SHE HAS LOST!! NOW I MUST GO BREAK HER UGLY BOYFRIEND’S HEART AND HIS LITTLE DANCE TOMORROW!!!
Anessa: If you do anything to him, it will seriously be the end of you.
Valerie: Don’t worry, egg. I’ll let him down gently. Like in the middle of a slow, romantic song. Muhaha!
Anessa: No…Please.
Valerie: Time to go sis. I’ll visit you every now and then drop you some of my leftover meals. But I won’t leave you that lonely.
She lies a stereo on the floor.
Valerie: This CD will loop my songs over and over and over AGAIN. See you around sis.
She walks up the dirty steps walks out of the room and locks the steel door.
COMMENTARY
On the plot
As stated above, I knew I wanted to mix non fiction with fiction. At the time I found myself too much of a bore for writing blog entries. So I decided to create a story with a character that reflected and represented my own personality and more importantly, surround him with crazy, amusing, exaggerated situations. That's the life of Herb Lopez. I thought I'd start the story with a very gloomy scene. He gets up one morning to go to school and just discusses his lack of motivation or strive. I just tried to describe the typical terrible start to a terrible day. His physicality reflects that lack of motivation. He looks terrible. I wanted to recreate the catholic school setting because some of it makes for humiliating scenarios, especially an all male catholic high school! There's humor and material in that alone. Later on, Herb meets a girl named Anessa, who is an aspiring actress. I purposely gave this character a certain 'star' status in order to create this unreachable, implausible scenario for Herb. I established Herb's inability to date a normal girl earlier in the story. Not only did Mediocre Man have to grow into hero, he desires a girl of exceptional social status. But the two connect in a way that is sweet and not over the top. At least that's how I saw it.
Herb's life quickly takes another twist. Because of his excessive amount of lateness’s to homeroom, he's forced by his high school to do some volunteer work at a local hospital in order to avoid summer school. It was fun to have Herb interact with some of these patients. Anyway, one night on duty, he slips and falls onto two blood samples. The two samples enter his body. As the two mix together, they coincide with each other since one sample was from a successful man, the other from a complete hobo.
The next morning, he wakes up a new man. A Mediocre Man. Throughout that day, he realizes what happened. A lot of his traits that he was below average in, he bumps up and performs average in. You see this in a scene where he passes a math quiz and performs decent during a softball game in gym class. His few exceptional skills declined to just average, such as writing. Most of all, Herb sees a difference aesthetically. The women label him as looking, 'just okay' a huge improvement over the gags he would hear before.
His wish had come true. Early in the story, he prayed just to be a normal, average guy. He realizes there are some drawbacks to that desire though. So it has that "Be careful what you wish for' vibe, influenced by films like Big.
As Herb and Anessa get to know each other, problems in her life threaten to tear them apart. She has a twin sister named Valerie and they're auditioning for the same role in a movie. They both desperately need this job to help jump start their careers. Anessa gets the part and this throws her sister over the edge. Valerie kidnaps and hides her so that she could get to film the movie, a dream of hers. In addition, she poses as Anessa and tells Herb they should stop dating. Herb, the doofus that he is, doesn't connect the dots that it's her sister. When he finally does, it makes for interesting and funny action sequences. Brooklyn residents should appreciate it.
It's really just about a teenager that is trying to come out of his shell and find his identity. When he finally does, the reader gets to see him thrive. It's not really about crazy science. That's a small portion of the story that adds humor and sci fi, but at the heart of it, it's just about an insecure guy growing into his own thanks to good family and friends.
Final words
What else can I say? In 2002, this 50 or so page story started a tradition for myself. I gave it to one person to read, who very much enjoyed it and briefly inspired her to write her own story. But that was it at first. What inspired me to keep writing these stories was my own life experiences and my desire to continue the character's journey. If that sounds corny, it is.
Six summers later, there I was I'm writing the final story. It's crazy. I'm crazy. Something that started as a joke one spring afternoon carried with me through the rest of high school, college and now as an 'adult;. I'm just now trying to let go of these stories. The first Mediocre Man isn't by any means an amazing work of art. It isn't even the best writing within the five stories. But I still find it a fun piece that can both make you laugh and be able to sympathize with these characters because you see yourself in them.
It was the first building block towards my attempt to write a quality story, from beginning to end. It gave me the desire to take writing classes in college so I could learn my strengths and weaknesses. And I really believe that each story has been better than the last one, which is very encouraging. I'll never be an amazing writer. But I consider writing a hobby and like any hobby whether that be working out or playing chess, you want to get better and better. The Mediocre Man stories have prepared me for that step.
It's been fun reading this story over to see what my mindset was. In Mediocre Man 1, Herb's biggest problems included getting a date to the school dance and not being late for homeroom. In Mediocre Man 5, he's trying to find a career, thinking about marriage and meeting old friends that now have children. I'm fascinated to read the progression of a character that has reflected myself over the years.
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